First Month Home +

I wish I could walk around with a sign that says, “I don’t know what I’m doing, talking about, or how it’s all going to end up.”

I try to explain this thing called attachment disorder and am certain I fail miserably. It’s strange to have to tell people we know and love, “I’m sorry. Could you not touch my daughter? Maybe not even look at her?” It feels rude and disrespectful to my friendships. Sometimes I feel overbearing and like part of me is jealous for Sage’s attention, affection.

But really, I just never know how it’s all going to wash out. Maybe she’ll get a hug from a stranger and be fine…looking for me…wanting to see me again. Or maybe not—it’s more likely that she’ll think you are the coolest thing since sliced bread and become convinced she wants to go home with YOU and not me. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.

To humor myself I’ve given this phenomenon a name: Mommy Shopping. It’s the American Way. Perhaps she recognizes that she’s come to a single income household where the fridge is sometimes empty and the paycheck is sometimes gone and she’s caught on to the more is more idea behind our culture. She’s smart. It’s a possibility.

Or maybe she’s so confused as to why she has stability again in her life. Or maybe she misses the rotation of caregivers in her world—those 12 hour shifts in the orphanages did have their perks such as a refreshed face and a filled tank of patience.

Perhaps she knows something is missing in my life, such as sleep. And is compassionate enough to want to give me a few days off by leaving with a different family.

There’s no telling.

But we love each other. And that’s really what matters right now. She does adore me when we’re home together and I do adore her 90% of our waking hours.

My favorite moments in the past month:

1. Realizing that this little girl has reminded me that love is a choice in ALL my relationships. I have learned how to be less ‘me’ focused and more in tune with my behavior mirroring my desired emotions. If that makes sense.
2. In the mornings she’s SO happy to see me. Like she’s been in a magical world of dreams and can’t wait to tell me about it. Except it’s mostly in Amharic and I don’t know what she’s saying yet.
3. Having someone on my heels all the time is so much fun. She loves to hang the wash, cook dinner, clean the floors, and put away laundry with me.
4. Watching daddy have a daughter. That’s awesome.
5. Realizing that God chose her for our family with perfection. I know someday I’ll take her back to meet her Birth Mom, but right now, it sure is wonderful to have her here with us. I do love her greatly.

The Hardest Things of the Past Month?

1. I forgot to enjoy Silas as the baby before I left for Ethiopia. I hadn’t anticipated his feelings of being ‘grown up’ and really love the small snuggle times we still get together. On the flip-side…I sometimes hate that I haven’t had good snuggle time with Sage. Because she’s so busy and toddler-ish, she doesn’t sit very long and is resistant to TRUE snuggle time unless she wants something (ie. it’s bedtime and she doesn’t want to be alone, THEN she’ll want to snuggle. She knows how much I value her hugs and kisses and can easily convince me to stay.)

2. I haven’t battled with my kids before in this sort of way. She’s strong and determined and will rip off her Sunday dress in the blink of an eye. I forget that she doesn’t have a need to please me and make me happy…and so I am learning to get outside myself and offer choices, independence, etc. It’s been good for me.

3. She wanders. Again because she doesn’t feel the need for proximity to us yet. I can’t leave her outside with the boys to play without an adult because it’s nothing for her to decide to go across the street (the grass is greener, you know) and Boom! she’s gone.

4. Indiscriminate affection with strangers really hurts my heart. Sometimes I wish I was that stranger. Even in the care center, she knew the routine: Families came in, one day it was going to be hers, she was going to leave, and therefore was prepared to reject us. I really can’t wait for the day she consistently places my role in her life as an important one that can’t be replaced. Likewise, the days she plants kisses on my cheeks only because she wants to and not because I asked for one – those make me smile inside and out.

Here are some pics from our first month together. Enjoy. Thanks to everyone who helped bring her home to us.

Traditional Clothes at Home

First Day of Dress Up

Sweet Faces

Day Two of Us in Her Life

Home Before – I rather like these Houses

Home Now

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~ by thewaitforone on August 7, 2010.